A Review of Pet Fashion Faux Paws, reprinted from The Delta Pet Inquirer
Contributors: EyeQ Terrier, Shawn Siamese, and Keenie Lovebird
First of all, if you’re expecting photos of pets wearing embarrassing costumes, we are sorry to disappoint. We have them, but they’re locked away in a secure place. We’d love to show them to you, honest, but our legal team said the risk was too great. Think about it, would you want to be all over the internet wearing a risible outfit you had no hand in choosing? Of course not!
First up on our fashion tour is the Carmen Miranda look. If you aren’t familiar with her, and unless your human watches old flicks you wouldn’t be, she was a Brazilian singer who made a big splash in Hollywood films of the 1940s and 50s. People often associate her with her head gear as shown below. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, we leave you to judge, but know this: a large, fruity chapeau is a fashion crime when it lands on the head of a dog. If your human even thinks about it, Just Say No!
Next we have the Sex Kitten look. Unfortunately (or conversely if you’re so inclined) this section does not describe feline sex. If you want to hear about that, kitties, you’ll have to read a different publication. The Delta Pet Inquirer is a family-friendly magazine! Anyway, ruched lace, chiffon and sequins are not alluring when draped on a fur coat. From our research we’ve come to understand that the entire purpose of a lace nightie is to show bare skin and unless you’re a member of the hairless cat breed, that’s not going to happen. Also, the sequins will catch on your whiskers and the lace won’t stay in place without elastic or string ties to hold it in place. Of course, elastic and string are irresistible, but when you chew them you’ll end up getting your claws stuck in the lace and your human is sure to get upset and stop the game immediately. So why bother?
Editor’s note: After a long and contentious debate, the above photo was cropped for the sake of decency.
Again we return to the head, often the focal point of pet fashion. We really hate to bring this up, but we can’t leave out wigs. Don’t act so shocked; you wig lovers know who you are. If there weren’t so many of you, why would there be a website totally devoted to wigs for cats–in three fabulous colors no less? Well, they’re not fabulous, that’s our point. Do you really think you’re going to look better than Liz Taylor in that Cleopatra style? Forget it, even if the neon blue bangs go with your eyes. (If you’re stumped on Cleo, I’m sure you can look her up on Google. She’s more famous than Carmen Miranda.) And kitties, especially you Persians, just forget about the Marilyn blonde “do.” It’s really, really not going to look like an extension of your long fur!
Editor’s note: This photo frame was intentionally left blank. Now do you see why we’ve chosen not to post any portraits here? We’re just not that mean.
Attention dogs: you short-haired breeds might like the feel of a warm coat on a winter’s walk—we’re definitely not sold on the booties—but don’t you think trying to match styles with your human is a step too far? If he wears a kilt, you gonna wear that too? Have some sense, or at least a bit of shame. Which works right into the old “tam-o-shanter” debate, which you may have heard before. So why are you ignoring it? Don’t even think about wearing one, not even on the golf course, should you be lucky enough to have access to such a place. Unless you wish to look like a character from a Dorothy Sayer’s mystery, don’t even think about putting a tam on your head. Many a human relationship’s been ruined by plaid. Trust us, it’s true.
We hope this discourse has been helpful. If you have any questions or comments, please post them below and we’ll get back to you.
The reporters were helped in their research by Mickey Hoffman, who has some writing credentials to herself, being the author of two mystery novels, Deadly Traffic and School of Lies, published by Second Wind Publishing.