Tag Archives: pet humor

The War On Bunnies

Bob’s War on Bunnies occurs every spring in our suburban neighborhood. It’s disgusting, violent and shocking like an outtake from some TV nature show. Worse, Bob leaves it to Mom to remove the inedible body parts–gall bladders, tails, bits of fur–from the porch. Mom’s Aunt Juliet in Ohio reminds her about the dangers of allowing intermediate vectors into one’s home on a cuddle-me basis. Bob spends his evenings with his head in Mom’s lap while she watches The Big Bang Theory and Jeopardy. Late at night, when she should be sleeping, Mom fears she may become the Typhoid Mary of the next global pandemic. She also remembers the kid’s book Horror Classic, There’s a hair in my dirt! by Gary Larsen.

 Bob cleans house—out-of-doors. Although he’s grown a bit timid about attacking squirrels now that he’s no longer a hungry stray balls-out Tom Cat, he still likes to eat bunnies. Along with bunnies, his hit list includes darling chippies, birdies, mice and voles. Voles are the loss leader among the daily offerings; even when there’s nothing else to be out-smarted and slain, there’s always some poor bastard vole ambling near-sightedly past. Yes, my rescue cat is the bane of the local wildlife, except for the fine assortment of parasites he picks up from the guts of his prey. Then it’s time for Mom Picks Up after Bob and Mom does laundry for Bob, along with a trip to the vet for the tablets to de-worm a 13 lb. cat. 

He’s good about swallowing the first pill, but his dose is 1 ½ tablets, so he puts a paw down, or, actually his jaw closes, on my fingers as they attempt to deploy the second half.  That, he seems to believe, is pushing his goodwill in a shameless, numb-nuts duh-human way. He sets about explaining this with saber-like claws and shiny, clean white teeth.  He’s semi-polite, not quite ready to rip my arm off, but he’s firmly in the negative. Mom often has to give up.


Filed under writing

Pet Fashion Faux Paws

A Review of Pet Fashion Faux Paws, reprinted from The Delta Pet Inquirer
Contributors: EyeQ Terrier, Shawn Siamese, and Keenie Lovebird

First of all, if you’re expecting photos of pets wearing embarrassing costumes, we are sorry to disappoint. We have them, but they’re locked away in a secure place. We’d love to show them to you, honest, but our legal team said the risk was too great. Think about it, would you want to be all over the internet wearing a risible outfit you had no hand in choosing? Of course not!

First up on our fashion tour is the Carmen Miranda look. If you aren’t familiar with her, and unless your human watches old flicks you wouldn’t be, she was a Brazilian singer who made a big splash in Hollywood films of the 1940s and 50s. People often associate her with her head gear as shown below. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, we leave you to judge, but know this: a large, fruity chapeau is a fashion crime when it lands on the head of a dog. If your human even thinks about it, Just Say No!

Next we have the Sex Kitten look. Unfortunately (or conversely if you’re so inclined) this section does not describe feline sex. If you want to hear about that, kitties, you’ll have to read a different publication. The Delta Pet Inquirer is a family-friendly magazine! Anyway, ruched lace, chiffon and sequins are not alluring when draped on a fur coat.  From our research we’ve come to understand that the entire purpose of a lace nightie is to show bare skin and unless you’re a member of the hairless cat breed, that’s not going to happen. Also, the sequins will catch on your whiskers and the lace won’t stay in place without elastic or string ties to hold it in place. Of course, elastic and string are irresistible, but when you chew them you’ll end up getting your claws stuck in the lace and your human is sure to get upset and stop the game immediately. So why bother?

Editor’s note: After a long and contentious debate, the above photo was cropped for the sake of decency.

Again we return to the head, often the focal point of pet fashion. We really hate to bring this up, but we can’t leave out wigs. Don’t act so shocked; you wig lovers know who you are. If there weren’t so many of you, why would there be a website totally devoted to wigs for cats–in three fabulous colors no less? Well, they’re not fabulous, that’s our point. Do you really think you’re going to look better than Liz Taylor in that Cleopatra style? Forget it, even if the neon blue bangs go with your eyes. (If you’re stumped on Cleo, I’m sure you can look her up on Google. She’s more famous than Carmen Miranda.) And kitties, especially you Persians, just forget about the Marilyn  blonde “do.” It’s really, really not going to look like an extension of your long fur!

Editor’s note: This photo frame was intentionally left blank. Now do you see why we’ve chosen not to post any portraits here? We’re just not that mean.

Attention dogs: you short-haired breeds might like the feel of a warm coat on a winter’s walk—we’re definitely not sold on the booties—but don’t you think trying to match styles with your human is a step too far? If he wears a kilt, you gonna wear that too? Have some sense, or at least a bit of shame. Which works right into the old “tam-o-shanter” debate, which you may have heard before. So why are you ignoring it? Don’t even think about wearing one, not even on the golf course, should you be lucky enough to have access to such a place. Unless you wish to look like a character from a Dorothy Sayer’s mystery, don’t even think about putting a tam on your head. Many a human relationship’s been ruined by plaid. Trust us, it’s true.

We hope this discourse has been helpful. If you have any questions or comments, please post them below and we’ll get back to you.

The reporters were helped in their research by Mickey Hoffman, who has some writing credentials to herself, being the author of two mystery novels, Deadly Traffic and School of Lies, published by Second Wind Publishing.


Filed under writing