Tag Archives: email

All those *&% emails!

Like most of you, I get too many emails.

Well, truth be told, it’s not that I get too many, it’s that I get I too many that are useless to me. It’s almost as though there is someone out there in cyberspace targeting me with the most ludicrous and ill-fitting information.

I have received emails asking if I want to “work from home” or if I have an erectile dysfunction problem. There are countless emails from every store and website imaginable telling me of their most recent sale and, of course, the emails telling me about the latest sugar-free, gluten-free or fat free recipe.

Oprah keeps emailing me about her latest book suggestion, despite the fact that I have told her countless times we have different tastes. (She still insists I read her picks – she is Oprah, after all.)

I keep getting the Dr. Oz message regarding the latest weight loss pill. And, like most of you, each time I see that man’s name attached to any product, I can’t help but click on the link to find out more. My hope springs eternal that he has actually discovered and is now promoting the pill that will make me a size 6. Although I consider myself a reasonably intelligent and sane person, I can’t help but hold out hope that the key to being thin and healthy isn’t reducing your caloric intake and increasing the amount of exercise. Surely there is a pill, drink, or vitamin out there that will do the trick and we just haven’t discovered it yet.

I bought a house last year so now I am on every realtor’s contact list. I get updates on what has sold in my neighborhood and in those nearby. Now, this just doesn’t make any sense to me. I just bought my house. I’m not about to purchase another one anytime soon. Surely a realtor would know this.

To add insult to injury, I got an email about buying a house that was written in Spanish. I do not now, nor have I ever, spoken Spanish. Not a lick of it.

Way to know your audience Casa-whatever-your-name-is.

In addition to those, I now received DIY emails from every TV show on HGTV, as well as emails from local salvage stores, Lowe’s, Home Depot and even those lumber warehouses.

I’m overrun. Really, I can’t keep up.

Well, I can. It’s just that I can no longer access it from my office so I’m forced to check emails when I get home each night. And let’s face it….who has time for THAT?

So here’s what I have decided to do. I’m going to unsubscribe from all the emails that I never look at. The ones that while I’d love to peruse thoroughly, their graphics just aren’t enough to grab me given that I am a victim of late-onset ADHD thanks to this immediate gratification society I find myself in.

I’m going to unsubscribe from all the stores I will never shop at and all the name brand clothing emails that are out of my reach.

My dear Kate Spade, I’m sorry. But even your clearance items are out of my reach so despite my high school-like crush on your pocketbooks and shoes, it looks like we will never be together.
So here I sit. About to click on the unsubscribe link of all those emails. There’s close to one hundred just from today. But I have to do it. Just the thought of seeing my inbox after a week of not checking email is enough to make me click on the link to unsubscribe from Neiman Marcus.

I click.

Another browser opens and I am brought to a page that asks me to tell them why I no longer want emails from them.

Did I get too many emails from them?
Do I get too many emails in general?
Were the emails not to my liking?
What can they do differently to get me to subscribe to their emails again?

Good lord! Do they really expect me to answer this? Of course they do. It’s right there in black ad white on my screen.

And then I see it.

The comment section.

Really? They’re asking for a reason why I no longer want to receive their emails? I actually have to provide them with an explanation? It’s an email people! Not a relationship.

I suddenly feel as though I’m trying to break up with someone. It’s the electronic version of “it’s not you, it’s me” and I find myself wondering about the person who has the job of tallying the breakup emails.

Surely, by the end of each day, said individual is exhausted simply from the amount of rejections he’s received. Though they’re not for him, per se, I would think that simply reading them and tallying them would be enough to throw anyone over the edge.

I feel bad for this faceless individual but I have to do it. I must break up with Neiman.

I click on the top bubble and watch as it fills in. I’ve selected “I receive too many emails in general.”

There.

It’s not you. It’s me!

Donna Small is the author of two novels – Just Between Friends and A Ripple in the Water. Her next novel, Through Rose Colored Glasses will be released this summer. Her books can be purchased here: http://www.secondwindpublishing.com/#!donna-small/c1ewn

1 Comment

Filed under fiction, Humor, musings, writing

Feed Your Head with SPAM

One morning as I grimly clicked DELETE, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE ALL, I came to a realization. Yes, SPAM is infernally annoying, but it won’t make me sick, homeless, or fat and only if I let it control me will it alter my personality. Instead of being annoyed at the SPAM in my inbox, what if I use the weirder subject lines to inspire, to nourish my creativity?

So, here are five of the best lines from my inbox, collected over a period of ten days and listed randomly. All grammar, punctuation and spelling oddities have been preserved. When the sender isn’t detailed below, the name wasn’t particularly notable. Oh, and I did not open any of these so my ideas of their content is pure speculation. After you read this, should you be similarly inspired, please leave a comment and share some favorites of your own.

Hello! I gotta something to say…
My first thought here is Godfather, or at least a mid to senior level fella from New Jersey. If I open this one  I’m thinking it’s friendly advice about a great investment opportunity—one I can’t refuse. Waste removal and processing is very profitable these days.  Maybe this is an offer for cut-rate burial services. I seem to get ten of those a week. In this case, only the very best concrete used. Or, perhaps some public-minded group wants to give me the real scoop on candidates running in the next election. With that folksy, down to earth wording, I can tell whatever it says in the email would be the solid truth.
Bare your legs with confidence.
The sender here was identified as Right to Bare Legs Ad. I commend the sender for outright telling me this is an ad, but I have to take off points because the honesty decreased the anticipation. Plain old Right to Bare Legs could have gone so many interesting ways. Before I saw the sender was merely an advertisement, my imagination whisked me to a beach where scantily clad, older women pirouette at the water’s edge, boldly exhibiting all their veins and spots while horrified adolescent grandchildren look on. From that scene, I am riding in a convertible down Sunset Boulevard and I look up to see a billboard of a very hairy, Russian women sunning herself on lawn chair in front of the Berlin Wall. She wears a bikini in a style popular circa 1963. She’s being guarded by two KGB types. In huge print, the billboard announces, “They hate us for our shaving!” Dear Spammers, don’t ruin my fun with too much information up front!

Buy Nice Medicines Today
This one made me want to whip out my credit card and buy every single one of their pills and potions. After all, wouldn’t a nice medicine make me feel, well, nice? Don’t I want to feel like that? Don’t you? Wow, if I took some maybe I’d even become nice. That is one description seldom given me. No, wait, the subject line doesn’t actually say anything about what the medicines do when you take them. It only says they possess the quality of being nice.  I bet they remind you to take them and then thank you afterward.

I have found you by accident…you look catching…
This email came from Emmie Longhorne. A curious name, I’m not sure whether it makes me think of a stripper or a character from Little House on the Prairie. She didn’t just find me, she has found me, indicating to me she put extra work into the search. How flattering! Anyway, how does Emmie know what I look like? And how can I look “catching”–unless I’m catching a cold? Is she trying to sell me some nice medicines? All those ellipses, maybe she’s a stutterer, In any event she certainly has a difficult time expressing herself. Although a name like Emmie sounds English, I doubt the sender is a native speaker. Perhaps Emmie would like to get some personalized English lessons.  If she uses catching to mean fetching, alluring, captivating, what x-rated activities might Emmie want to discuss with me? Does she know what sex I am and does she care? I think not.

Change Your Spots
The sender is From High Speed Internet. Yes, in case they believe I didn’t understand that the SENDER is who is listed inside the email’s SENDER box, they went to extra trouble to tell me they, the sender entity, is on the FROM end of the transaction. Perhaps, in their very high speed system, they’re using a quantum computer where one can send things and, if anyone’s watching, the email might simultaneously sit at the destination point. To avoid confusion, they felt it necessary to let me know they didn’t receive it, I did. Wow, the Spots could be electrons or photons! Casting aside such ideas, on a macro level, what do Spots have to do with my internet connection? Spotty connection? Spots to plug in a modem? I know one thing for sure; at times I’ve been so angry with AT&T I’ve seen spots.

Mickey Hoffman is the author of the Kendra Desola mysteries, School of Lies and Deadly Traffic published by Second Wind Publishing. www.mickeyhoffman.com

3 Comments

Filed under writing