All those *&% emails!

Like most of you, I get too many emails.

Well, truth be told, it’s not that I get too many, it’s that I get I too many that are useless to me. It’s almost as though there is someone out there in cyberspace targeting me with the most ludicrous and ill-fitting information.

I have received emails asking if I want to “work from home” or if I have an erectile dysfunction problem. There are countless emails from every store and website imaginable telling me of their most recent sale and, of course, the emails telling me about the latest sugar-free, gluten-free or fat free recipe.

Oprah keeps emailing me about her latest book suggestion, despite the fact that I have told her countless times we have different tastes. (She still insists I read her picks – she is Oprah, after all.)

I keep getting the Dr. Oz message regarding the latest weight loss pill. And, like most of you, each time I see that man’s name attached to any product, I can’t help but click on the link to find out more. My hope springs eternal that he has actually discovered and is now promoting the pill that will make me a size 6. Although I consider myself a reasonably intelligent and sane person, I can’t help but hold out hope that the key to being thin and healthy isn’t reducing your caloric intake and increasing the amount of exercise. Surely there is a pill, drink, or vitamin out there that will do the trick and we just haven’t discovered it yet.

I bought a house last year so now I am on every realtor’s contact list. I get updates on what has sold in my neighborhood and in those nearby. Now, this just doesn’t make any sense to me. I just bought my house. I’m not about to purchase another one anytime soon. Surely a realtor would know this.

To add insult to injury, I got an email about buying a house that was written in Spanish. I do not now, nor have I ever, spoken Spanish. Not a lick of it.

Way to know your audience Casa-whatever-your-name-is.

In addition to those, I now received DIY emails from every TV show on HGTV, as well as emails from local salvage stores, Lowe’s, Home Depot and even those lumber warehouses.

I’m overrun. Really, I can’t keep up.

Well, I can. It’s just that I can no longer access it from my office so I’m forced to check emails when I get home each night. And let’s face it….who has time for THAT?

So here’s what I have decided to do. I’m going to unsubscribe from all the emails that I never look at. The ones that while I’d love to peruse thoroughly, their graphics just aren’t enough to grab me given that I am a victim of late-onset ADHD thanks to this immediate gratification society I find myself in.

I’m going to unsubscribe from all the stores I will never shop at and all the name brand clothing emails that are out of my reach.

My dear Kate Spade, I’m sorry. But even your clearance items are out of my reach so despite my high school-like crush on your pocketbooks and shoes, it looks like we will never be together.
So here I sit. About to click on the unsubscribe link of all those emails. There’s close to one hundred just from today. But I have to do it. Just the thought of seeing my inbox after a week of not checking email is enough to make me click on the link to unsubscribe from Neiman Marcus.

I click.

Another browser opens and I am brought to a page that asks me to tell them why I no longer want emails from them.

Did I get too many emails from them?
Do I get too many emails in general?
Were the emails not to my liking?
What can they do differently to get me to subscribe to their emails again?

Good lord! Do they really expect me to answer this? Of course they do. It’s right there in black ad white on my screen.

And then I see it.

The comment section.

Really? They’re asking for a reason why I no longer want to receive their emails? I actually have to provide them with an explanation? It’s an email people! Not a relationship.

I suddenly feel as though I’m trying to break up with someone. It’s the electronic version of “it’s not you, it’s me” and I find myself wondering about the person who has the job of tallying the breakup emails.

Surely, by the end of each day, said individual is exhausted simply from the amount of rejections he’s received. Though they’re not for him, per se, I would think that simply reading them and tallying them would be enough to throw anyone over the edge.

I feel bad for this faceless individual but I have to do it. I must break up with Neiman.

I click on the top bubble and watch as it fills in. I’ve selected “I receive too many emails in general.”


It’s not you. It’s me!

Donna Small is the author of two novels – Just Between Friends and A Ripple in the Water. Her next novel, Through Rose Colored Glasses will be released this summer. Her books can be purchased here:!donna-small/c1ewn

1 Comment

Filed under fiction, Humor, musings, writing

One response to “All those *&% emails!

  1. Donna, you are right on!!! I have the same problem. I’ve tried to unsubscribe to lots and lots and it seems that the cyber world loses my “unsubscription” every time. I STILL get them. Ekkkkk!!!! Now, we’re expected to get more involved with social networks? Ackkkkk! I try, but with all I have to do already, Facebook and blogging is about all I can handle. Any suggestions?

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