None of You Are Winners

Times up! Put your pencils down. The contest is over.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about; go read the last buhlog.

First, let me start off- this was a lot of fun. There were some great submissions. In fact, there were so many that I enlisted help to vote on their favorites because I was having trouble deciding. As far as winners; nobody won both contests so I’m stuck with the extra sock. However, I did have a surprise 3rd winner. One entry for the roller derby name was so good, so unique, that there wasn’t anything even close to it in the International Rollergirls’ Master Roster.

Roller Derby Queen Names

9. Chlamydia Jones- I love this submission. This entry came from a very talented writer who was going to use the name in a blaxplotation book.

8. Calamity Pain- Great entry, but too close to a real athlete’s name.

7. Princess Leia Ya Out- Too close to a real athlete’s name.

6. Jenna-cyde Jameson

5. Horror Moans

4. Dusty Hole

3. Auntie Maim- Rated high, but too close to a real athlete’s name.

2. Mary Hate Olsen- Also rated high, but too close to a real athlete’s name.

And the winner is: Beretta Lyn #.9mm. Congratulations Sarah Butland! For those of you that don’t know- Beretta is an Italian gun manufacturer.

The winner for the most original name is: Sasquatch Snatch (aka ‘Sassy’ Snatch). It turns out no woman would name themselves ‘Sasquatch Snatch’. Who knew? If a guy had the nickname of ‘Bigfoot’s Dong’, he would tell everyone. I guess I’ll never understand women. Congratulations Alicia Grey!

Hair Band Names

11. The Cum Spots

10. The Slit Lickers

9. Testicular Bravado- Great submission from Ron Hoefer, who is proudly serving in the United States Navy. This was my immediate favorite, but it didn’t quite capture what I was looking for.

8. Pussy Slits

7. Sugar Rockets- Another great submission that brings together Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and “Rocket”.

6. Social Disease-  I really liked this name. I’m a Social Distortion fan, but ‘Social Disease’ is the name of a real band

5. LA Tramps- This name was going to be the winner. It reminded me of ‘LA Guns’ and ‘The Cramps’, but it’s the name of a professional Dodgeball Team.

4. Dildo Paradise and The Textures – I love this entry! This is an awesome band name, but it just doesn’t fit the era.

3. Runaway Lipstik.

2. Canon-  I thought this was a great name that really captured the late ‘80s. This was going to be the winner, but unfortunately, it’s the name of a real band.

And the Winner is: Legs Wide Slut! Congratulations Shelia Deeth!

Congratulations to all of the winners, and I want to thank everyone for their submissions. We really had some fun trying to pick the winners. The submissions were so good, the next contest is for you to give me a 60,000 word story tying ’80s hair bands and women’s roller derby together. The winner will get that orphaned sock!

For all of you who didn’t win, you free consolation prize can be found at:

(You’ll have to pay $13.45 plus shipping for your free consolation prize.)

Shelia and Sarah-  Send an email to with your address.

1 Comment

Filed under books, Contests, fiction, fun, Humor, music, writing

One response to “None of You Are Winners

  1. Woohoo!!! I’ll let Beretta Lyn #.9mm know, I’m sure she’ll be honoured. Can’t wait to read this!

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