I still don’t want to write a buhlog.
My book, Donations to Clarity, isn’t selling well. Let me rephrase that: My book isn’t selling. I’ve been trying everything I can think of to generate some publicity. Some how start a ground swell that will eventually form a surfable wave. Right now, a ripple would be nice. I don’t understand it. I have more fans on Facebook than I have sales. How the does that work? I’m a fan of Bob Marley on Facebook. I also buy Bob Marley’s albums (and Ziggy’s). I consume the product he created; therefor I am a fan. I’m a fan of Californication (Free Hank Moody!). I watch the show; therefor I’m a fan. Noah Baird doesn’t have any other product; just a book. How can you be a fan if you won’t consume the only product? The only logical alternative is they are fans of Noah Baird, the person. Which is ridiculous. I’m not even house-broken.
Anyway, enough bitching. So, in a lame-ass effort to generate more sales. I’m hosting a contest. Because . . . well, I don’t know why. I know one reason is to get me out of writing this piece of dookie. The other reason is because, apparently in some universal equation I’m too thick to get, giving away books gets people to buy books. I guess it’s like if you donate a dollar, you’re supposed to get $2 back. Maybe all of the losers of the contest feel cheated and go buy the book. So, I’m hoping if I give a book away, I’ll sell 10,000 books. I’m not really sure what the karma conversion is for books, but I’m hoping it’s skewed in my favor.
So, in the interest of giving crap away for free — I’m hosting two contests! That’s right, kids: dos! And I’ll tell you why: coming up with names for characters is really hard. It’s not like naming a dog. I usually end up flipping through books and albums looking for a name. So, help me out:
Contest 1: Name a Female Roller Derby Player!
I need an original name for a female roller derby player. Here’s a link to The International Rollergirl’s Master Roster. These are the types of names I’m looking for. You can’t use one of their names. These ladies are professional athletes and will kick your ass.
Contest 2: Name a Bad ’80s Rock Band/Hair Band/Glam Band!
I need an original rock band name, circa late ‘80s. I want something so sleazy, so nasty, you’ll want to bathe in Purell and throw your keyboard away.
If I pick your submission:
– I’ll use your submission in an upcoming book (Unless I come up with a better idea later on).
– I’ll send you an autographed copy of Donations to Clarity. Complete with my own shitty signature. I may even write something witty in my equally shitty handwriting.
Now, if you win BOTH contests; well, I’m not sure what to do. I could send you two books, but what are you going to do with two of them? If you wouldn’t spend the money to buy one book, then you probably don’t need two. So, if you win BOTH contests I’ll send you:
– An autographed copy of the book.
– A pack of Bigfoot Breath Mints (I’m not making this up. They really exist).
– A sock. I was doing laundry the other day and one of my socks are missing. I’ll send you the orphaned sock! So, you’ll get a book, mints, and sock! Try to get that deal at Barnes and Noble!
– The names have to be original.
– I can’t think of any other rules, so don’t do anything stupid that will get me into trouble.
Post your suggestions here or send them to email@example.com. Don’t use that email address to send a bunch of spam and crap. I don’t need ground tiger testicle impotence cures. Send those to:
If all of the submissions suck, I’ll use the book to balance out my nightstand, eat the mints, and give the sock to the dog to play with. I may give the mints to the dog. His breath is horrible. I know he licks his balls all day, but his breath shouldn’t smell worse than his balls.
I’ll announce the winner in the next buhlog.
Or — I have a crazy idea! Just buy the book! Then I won’t have to do this anymore.
Donations to Clarity: The plan was simple: hoax Bigfoot, then sell tours to Bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn’t brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real Bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female Bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured; it is just the beginning of their problems.
Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck Bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?
Click here to read the first chapter of: Donations to Clarity by Noah Baird .