I Wish I Were a Cat by Claire Collins


I want to be a housecat.

I mean really, is there a better life than to be a pampered fat cat?

Let’s think about this for just a minute.

I wake up from my early morning nap when I hear an alarm clock going off. When the human walks out of their room, I weave in and out of their feet trying to trip them so they can see the world from my point of view.

If they make it into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, I’ll be right there yowling around their ankles until the noise penetrates their sleeping ears and they fill up my food and water bowls. Then the human can go away while I enjoy my breakfast and take my morning nap.

When I wake up, the humans have all left my house and I can sit in any windowsill I choose. I stretch out all of my feline muscles while my sharpened claws are hooked in the upholstery of the living room couch.

I take my early afternoon nap, eat some more, then go lay in a human bed to groom myself, making sure to lick away all of the loose hair and other nasties so I’m nice and clean.

Then it’s naptime again.  After that, I stroll across the kitchen counters and table, looking for leftover scraps or those yummy breakfast dishes the young humans leave when they go to school.

Then it’s naptime.

Around the time I wake up, humans return to my house so I lounge around on the floor like the good kitty they think I am.

Periodically, I’d need to use the litter box, and when I cover my mess, I’d get to throw litter all over the floor. What do I care? I don’t have to clean it up. Once a week, the humans will put fresh litter in there and sweep up my mess.

When I want to be stroked, I only have to rub my furry face against a human and I get instant gratification.

Of course, when the humans are home, unless I’m eating, using the litter box, or being rubbed, I will spend all of my time napping.

When they go to bed, I will spend my time playing. My favorite game will involve rolling a marble across the tile floor just outside the adult human’s bedroom.



Filed under life

5 responses to “I Wish I Were a Cat by Claire Collins

  1. Yeah, whatta life! 🙂 It’s been said that “Get someone else to clean your bathroom,” “Take good care of your nails” and “Get plenty of sleep” are kitty “prime directives.”

    Is that your pretty kitty in the picture?

  2. Juliet, It isn’t a picture of any of my cats, but I picked that picture because I have one who looks just like him. My cats are all completely white, but one has blue eyes, one has green eyes, and one has a blue eye and a green eye.

  3. Is your blue eyes guy deaf? I briefly had a white blue/green eyed male, but he spent all his time beating the c–p out of everyone else, so he didn’t stay with us. I just read an article about ferals, which said that they rarely last outside for long because owls, etc. can see them so clearly. One of ours–gray and white–was picked up by an owl and dropped–at least that was what the vet posited when he cleaned the wounds the next day.

    • None of them are deaf, but the two tone eyed one was from a feral mother. She dropped him when she was moving him and he fell between a building and a trailer where I worked and they found him. His ears weren’t even up yet. We bottle fed him. My daughter dropped my blue eyed kitty on his head when he was tiny. We thought he would die. He wouldn’t move for a long time but he kept near the momma and then he would curl up on my husbands chest and be petted because we thought for sure he would be brain damaged if he did survive. And now he’s the most loving cat. He puts his head against us and lays on us like a baby. It’s like he hugs us.

  4. christinehusom


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